There is a play in this story somewhere. Joachim will play a man who
cannot win, tied to his ungrateful family with strings powerful beyond
belief. As a child he was forced to be his brother's punching bag,
surviving as the necessary dna-reserve in case Frederik's offspring were
incapable of walking past a window without cleaning it with their tongues,
but now he is met with an accusation worse than any royal ever had to
tackle. He is accused of being smart!
Ten years ago something paler and even more dimwitted than the average
royal crawled out from under a Tasmanian rock. She pounced on Fred lying
unconscious on an Aussie beach fondling a bottle of beer, violently rubbed
his chest, and then sat on him until he asked for her hand in marriage. Mary
will be perfect for that part and Frederik of course will play the lazy git
whose passive aggressive anger only can be released through killing tiny
feathered beings.
Now little Hobart-Mary has a huge problem. Not Frederik's increasingly
lust to kill, no, but among her bigbellied and horse toothed Danish relatives,
there is one who frightens her. Joachim, a man who does not put on weight.
Who breeds perfect intelligent boys making her own offspring look like the
leftovers from a Rumanian orphanage and worst of all, who insists on carrying
on "a conversation" with her.
Mary is not to blame, though. After all, nowhere in her complicated study
of English Royals prior to her lassoing a prince in the wateringhole called
"Slip In" did she see verbal communication as a requirement to be a princess.
Joachim's constant attempts to talk to her frightens her, as his bragging with
two syllable words constantly highlights her own limitations. Raise the curtain
for scene 4272 of the play we could call "Getting to Know You" or perhaps
"Tale of Two Brothers":
Frederik: "You could try to make friends with her. I made an effort with Alex,
didn't I? I stopped making Asian jokes when you married her".
Joachim: "You only stopped because you were interested in her, horndog and
to your surprise, she didn't find slanted eye-jokes amusing".
Frederik: "Well. Yes...But I still made the effort. And I'm very polite around
Marie!"
Joachim: "Because tiny Apple could beat you with one fluffywhite paw tied
to its back. And Marie has more strength in her upperarm than you
have in your entire body."
Frederik: "True, but..."
Joachim: "In fact, I think Baby Henrik could - "
Frederik: "I get it! I'm soft, fat and spineless. Unfortunately Mary can beat me
too, especially now she believes she is pregnant and she is extremely
upset with you right now. For some reason she thinks that you find her
...a little stupid?"
Joachim: (Silence)
Frederik: "It's right about now you are supposed to say: "No! Mary is a very
smart woman and I have nothing but respect for her!"
Joachim: "Mary is a very smart woman and I have nothing but respect for her".
Frederik: "Fine. Say that with a straight face and it might help. Now go talk with
her! She's been watching that "Army of Lovers" video all day and it is
starting to get on my nerves".
............
Joachim: "Hi Mary".
Mary: "What you want?"
Joachim: "I...It's a fine day today? Nice day for a walk. We could...Could you
just stop applying that cream for a second? The toxins are making
me dizzy".
He smiles at her, which only seems to frighten her. Joachim turns to look at
Frederik:
"You know, I really don't have time for this. My boys are growing up
fast these days and I want to experience just a little bit of their
childhood".
Frederik: "Why?"
Mary: "Freddles. Your brother is talking to me again. Make him stop".
Frederik hands Joachim a prozac:
"Here. It will help you break the ice. See Mary! Joachim has a pill.
A whole pill just for you, just like the ones we put in your Rob Roy
in the morning. You like Joachim now. Joachim is funny".
("Smile to her now, but not too wide. Mama's teeth frightened her
last year and she hasn't quite recovered".)
Joachim curls up a corner of his mouth into a crooked smile.
Mary: "Noo!" (She hugs her favorite beige Vuitton bag and craddles it like
a baby, rocking back and forth).
Frederik: "And they said she had no maternal instinct. She is a good little
mother. Joachim, the pill!"
Joachim: "Haakon warned me of this. Hiii Mary. My-name-is-Joachim".
(Comforted by the sugary tone, she drops the bag and tries to get the pill).
Frederik: "Yes. It is working! Continue!"
Joachim: "I-like-you-very-much!"
(He drops the pill into her quivering hand. She looks up at him,
tears filling her huge vacant eyes.
Joachim: (Whispering to Frederik): "Is that enough? Can I go now?
Marie is waiting for me. She said she would make bouillabaisse".
Mary points a shivering finger at him, and screams a sound
eerily reminding them both of the movie
"Invasion of the Bodysnatchers":
"He did it again! He used a word I don't know! He hates me!
With the speed of a psychotic wildebeest, she throws herself and her non-existent
belly against Frederik, squeezing the life out of him with her powerful man hands.
Frederik's red eyes meet Joachim's blue and for the first time in his life, Joachim
sees Frederik up against something stronger than his own stubbornness:
"I'm sorry, but...she claims she is carrying twins. Divorce is out of
the picture for now".
Curtain.
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